Some of the early Disney cartoons are just beautiful, are they not?
I wish Disney was not a copyright-mad megalomaniacal corporation, because it really has produced some beautiful work.
Today I bring you the first and best of the Silly Symphonies, “The Skeleton Dance”, from 1929. This was my favorite Halloween video as a child. My sister and my parents and I watched it once, wrapped up in popcorn smells and ABC Sunday night.
I remember the robot costume my Mom made me when I was five. It was blue and made of fabric and had red dials on the front. I loved that costume. Thanks, Mom.
This is Halloween. Creepy, weird, no doubt, but also the one night when we can be ourselves. We werewolves, vampires, cops and robbers. I was also a cop for Halloween in first grade, and my best friend was chained to my ankle. He was a robber. I was never happier.
Warning: Just about everything here is NSFMM, Not Safe For My Mom. Mom, don’t read this or watch the video.
I really hope you don’t know what F.A.T.A.L. is. I pray to Thor you do not know what F.A.T.A.L. is.
If you don’t, it’s time to learn. F.A.T.A.L. is the worst RPG ever written. It is a disgusting chamber pot of misogyny, homophobia and bad game mechanics.
In F.A.T.A.L., your ability to rape is quantified on your character sheet. F.A.T.A.L. is a crime against games and humanity.
If you are interested in reading more about a game that has an anal circumference statistic, continue to this fantastic review.
Here is F.A.T.A.L.’s theme song, released by the creators of the game itself:
Unfortunately the developers never released a video, but someone managed to come up with images that accurately represent the game. They are disgusting and horrible.
Now I have for you one of the greatest terrors of life: fear of a lost child. It’s easy to lose track of loved ones in a crowd.
Has my Billy been trapped on the Ferris Wheel? Did he try to walk the wrong way up an escalator? Did he fall while skiing and smash his head? Is he face down in the snow, unconscious, even now? That happened to me once.
Situation: Ski Slopes. Where is Billy?
Everything is empty and cold. No one has seen him for hours. The hot chocolate we made for him when we thought he was coming back soon is now cold.
Where is Billy? If only some brave company were to come along and sell us a product that would find our lost boy. What? You say such a company exists? You say it’s the Brick House Security company. Well, damn the cost! My child is missing.
Primal fear.
Huzzah! We are saved by a silly looking remote control that makes sounds like Beaker from The Muppets.
All this month, I bring you weird and scary videos from the internets.
Tonight a truly terrifying tale of Woe wherein Tim Curry channels his best Bowie.
Tim Curry is the rich man's David Bowie.
Below the video, I do lyrical analysis and then I rewrite the song, but to start us out, a few lyrics from this gem:
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your dog could turn into a cat
This is the first thing they list after saying that any thing can happen. Here are a few other things these writers find astounding:
There may be a toad in your bass guitar
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine
How uproariously astounding and wondrous those things are! Especially the toad in my bass guitar.
Imagine your shock at finding a toad in your bass guitar! It’s supernaturally terrifying! Only on Halloween, I guess!
Seriously, guys, toads aren’t that scary.
Seriously.
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(keep scrolling)
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Unless it's this guy! Bluh! Bluh! Got You!
Enjoy the video:
At about 2:15 we get to my favorite lines:
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine
Your dentist could turn into a queen.
Has anybody seen my tambourine
Follow these lyrics. They start out making sense: nail growth and hair-dying are a little scary. The next one is a little wacky, but I would move that to the third line because jokes best come in threes.
Then we get to “Your dentist could turn into a queen.” I think this may actually have been a throwaway line for small girls, because this is a kids show, but with Tim Curry singing it, it becomes immediately subverted into something weirdly sexual.
Then the last line: it has nothing to do with anything. The songwriter just picked a funny word and declared the song finished, because either the writer is not talented or they don’t care about a crappy song in a kids show on HBO.
But Tim Curry sings it, you idiot. You could have Tim Curry sing a good song instead of a crappy one.
All the song writer has to rhyme “Halloween”. That’s easy! Rhymezone lists 410 rhymes for “Halloween”! You should be able to come up with good lyrics for that. Yet, this writer managed to do a terrible job.
My rewrite:
Anything can happen on Halloween
Drink a witch’s potion and your hair turns green
Your math teacher changes to an evil queen
The fridge becomes Frankenstein’s machine
Wolverine plays the tambourine
Yeah, it’s really not that much better. But I just love the image of Wolverine playing the tambourine so much.
Thanks to Lauryl Sulfate of Ninety Six Minutes for sending me this video! If you want to send me a video, become my friend on Facebook.
All this month, I bring you weird and scary videos from the internets.
Today’s offering: “Gimme Pizza” by the Olsen Twins and friends.
These two terrifying wraiths:
The Olsen Twins may only be harmed by a +1 or greater weapon.
and their friends, probably a lich and a few vampires, made a video. Speaking of which, I am reading Fourth Edition Dungeons and Dragons. It’s terrible.
Here’s your creepy weirdness for the day, with lyrics I transcribed from the video:
Give this video at least one minute! If you are not entranced by what is happening at 1:00 in this video, I will rescind my guarantee of weirdosity and creepiness.
DID I HAPPEN TO SAY?
I WANT PIZZA
P-I-Z-Z-A
I WANT PIZZA
HEY,
ARE YOU READY TO PLAY?
NOW SET DOWN THE PIZZA AND BRING SOME CHICKEN
THROW IT ON TOP AND MAKE IT FINGER-LICKIN’
BUFFALO WINGS AND MEATBALLS
WHIP CREAM POURING LIKE WATERFALLS
HERE’S A LITTLE SAUSAGE TO MAKE IT HOT
HERE’S A LOT OF ICE CREAM TO HIT THE SPOT
