Creepy Weird Halloween – “Single Ladies Fail”

Not this fail.

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This one:

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More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Star Wars representado con dibujos tradicionales mexicanos.

Rand Paul Curb Stomp

Creepy Weird Halloween: “Japan sea monster”

Closet Door Fail – Post #666!

Single Ladies Fail

Zalgo

Silly Symphony – The Skeleton Dance – 1929

F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell

Special thanks to Monet Hurst-Mendoza for the link.


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I review Boardwalk Empire (1/x)

On HBO. You've heard of it. Steve Buscemi is in it. Martin Scorcese directs. Scorsese and Mark Wahlberg are executive producers. Should be good, right?

About Boardwalk Empire I say, “Meh.” After three episodes, I haven’t seen a real female character, but I have seen a lot of adolescent male fantasy and blowjobs. I say, “Meh.”

I mean, for the most part, you can say that about the Venture Brothers, except for the blowjobs. But the Venture Brothers is a cartoon.

Compare Boardwalk Empire to something like Deadwood and you’ll see what I mean. By this time, Deadwood has many real female characters, and it is set in a time when women had even fewer rights and opportunities than they did in the 1920s.

Scorcese’s direction is great. Buscemi is great in the lead. The cinematography is great. But the script is just: “Meh.”

Meh.

All of the women are in love with the men. The men have all the power and each has at least one woman in love with him, usually two or three.

This is essentially a harem anime.

Dear God I want to be Tenchi Muyo so bad.

By the time we get to episode Four, the female characters are:

1) A profoundly stupid chorus dancer/prostitute.

When she speaks up at dinner and then is challenged to state her view of the League of Nations she doesn’t know what it is, and then says, “But Paris sounds swell. Will you take me there, Daddy?”

Maybe not the most sexist character ever written, but we are getting close to it.

2) A way-too-naive irish waif who Steve Buscemi rescued from her big, menacing, abusive, alcoholic husband by framing him for murder and then having him killed. She’s a single mother raising her children, but her story does not exist except in ways that it affects Steve Buscemi’s character’s storyline. She will be the good girl that Buscemi eventually marries.

3) Another beautiful chorus girl, who performs in the nude. So, the 1921 equivalent of the best looking stripper, aka the whore with a heart of gold.

She falls in love with one of the male leads for no reason at all. He follows her around for 3 days, then they talk once. They each say 20 words. Then she grabs his dick. This is basically porn. There is only a thin veil of story cast on top of it.

There are some more equally bad female characters I’ll talk about later.


Female characters aside, let’s look at this weird section of dialogue and what it tells us about the thoughts that went in to making this show.

The Senator has just come to visit Steve Buscemi, who plays the Treasurer of Atlantic City. The Senator has just inferred that he will soon be President, and that he can order Buscemi around any way he wants. Then he decides he wants to change his drink, so he says:

Senator
I’m through with this champagne!

Buscemi
What’s your pleasure, senator?

Senator
I’ll have a Pimm’s Cup.

Steward
I’m sorry, we have no Pimm’s Cup tonight.

Buscemi
For God’s sake, why not?

Pimm’s Cup?

I should have seen this coming when I found out Mark Wahlberg was an executive producer.

Remember when this was who Mark Wahlberg was?

I can imagine Mark Wahlberg coming across the Wikipedia entry for Pimm’s Cup, which is a jello-shot-type alcoholic drink that people used to drink back then, and just loling about the fact that a Pimm’s Cup sounds just like the phrase “a pimp’s cup”, and then demanding that it be inserted into the script at least three times.

Now he works with this guy.

Ever notice how people just casually call Martin Scorcese “Marty”, just to prove to you that they are close enough to Martin Scorcese that they can casually drop his childhood nickname in public? Well, I’m doing that, and I’ve never even MET him.

Anyways. MARKY MARK meets with MARTY SCORCESE across the Executive Producer’s table:


MARKY MARK
Pimp’s cup! Pimp’s cup! Pimp’s cup! Three times, Scorcese!

MARTY
What is this? I don’t even –

MARKY MARK (rapping)
Yo! It’s about that time
To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme

MARTY SCORCESE
Please, not again, Mark.

MARKY MARK (rapping)
Marky Mark and I’m here to move you
Rhymes will groove you
And I’m here to prove to you
That we can party on the positive side
And pump positive vibes
So come along for the ride

MARTY SCORCESE
I’m with you, Mark. Please, get off the table and put your shirt back on.

MARKY MARK(rapping)
Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation
So feel the vibration

(MARKY MARK jumps off the table and tackles MARTY SCORCESE.)

Come on come on
Feel it feel it
Feel the vibration

MARTY SCORSESE
I feel it all through my chest, Mark. Please, I can’t sit up.

MARKY MARK (rapping)
It’s such a good vibration
It’s such a sweet sensation
It’s such a good vibration
It’s such a sweet sensation

MARTY SCORSESE
I can’t breathe.

MARKY MARK (rapping)
Donnie D break it down

MARTY SCORSESE
There’s another one of the Funky Bunch in here?

DONNY D (rapping)
Donnie D’s on the back up

MARTY SCORSESE
Dear God.

DONNY D (rapping)
Drug free, so put the crack up
No need for speed
I’m the anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E my
Body is healthy

MARTY SCORSESE (rapping)
Good for Ye
Donny D
We’re all real Funky Bunchers
Drug pushers are just monkey punchers
Don’t you agree, Donny D?

DONNY D (rapping)
My rhymes make me wealthy
And the Funky Bunch helps me
To bring you a show with no intoxication
Come on feel the vibration

MARTY SCORSESE
I feel it, Donny D. I feel the vibration.

MARTY SCORSESE (to Mark)
Three times, Mark. He’ll say it three times. Donny, can you call an ambulance?

MARKY MARK
Ok, you can stand up then. Donny D, let him go.

MARTY SCORSESE
Pimm’s cup it is! But that’s the only decision you get to make as executive producer!

MARKY MARK
Yahyee! Pimp’s cup it is.

(MARKY MARK and DONNY D dance out.)

MARTY SCORSESE
I knew emailing him that link would work in my favor.

END OF PART ONE

Related:

I review the Venture Brothers

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Creepy Weird Halloween: Zalgo

Billy experiences true horror.

According to Wikipedia, Zalgo does not exist. I hope that it is so.

But YouTube, less vigilant against cosmic horror than the encyclopedia of Jimmy Wales, has been corrupted.

Zalgo:

Are you sure Zalgo does not exist? I do not sleep easy tonight.

Zalgo:


Even Jon Arbuckle is not safe from his maw. Zalgo:

He has even corrupted the Keyboard Cat, that noble paladin of the Internets:

I am terrified.

More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Star Wars representado con dibujos tradicionales mexicanos.

Rand Paul Curb Stomp

Creepy Weird Halloween: “Japan sea monster”

Closet Door Fail – Post #666!

Single Ladies Fail

Zalgo

Silly Symphony – The Skeleton Dance – 1929

F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell


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I write a song: “Laundry” draft 1

Started, 4:22 PM 10/20/2010

Oh my god
I need to do the laundry
oh my god
I need to clean my room
oh my god
I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write I need to write

…and soon

Current time 4:28 PM 10/20/2010

I’m also working on a song about Batman and Superman for May Day.


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Sneak peak of the new Venture Brothers episode!

I’m really hoping for a Molotov Cocktease appearance in this episode.

One thousand times sexier than Jessica Rabbit.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Here it is:

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I <3 you, Molotov Cocktease. You and me and Dr. Girlfriend, in my dreams. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 [caption id="attachment_582" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="In this fantasy, I\'m Brock Samson."][/caption]


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Creepy Weird Halloween: “Silly Symphony – The Skeleton Dance – 1929″

You have been diagnosed with Bonus Eruptus.

Some of the early Disney cartoons are just beautiful, are they not?

I wish Disney was not a copyright-mad megalomaniacal corporation, because it really has produced some beautiful work.

Today I bring you the first and best of the Silly Symphonies, “The Skeleton Dance”, from 1929. This was my favorite Halloween video as a child. My sister and my parents and I watched it once, wrapped up in popcorn smells and ABC Sunday night.

I remember the robot costume my Mom made me when I was five. It was blue and made of fabric and had red dials on the front. I loved that costume. Thanks, Mom.

This is Halloween. Creepy, weird, no doubt, but also the one night when we can be ourselves. We werewolves, vampires, cops and robbers. I was also a cop for Halloween in first grade, and my best friend was chained to my ankle. He was a robber. I was never happier.

Halloween is the only night we don’t wear masks.

Enjoy the dancing skeletons:

More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Star Wars representado con dibujos tradicionales mexicanos.

Rand Paul Curb Stomp

Creepy Weird Halloween: “Japan sea monster”

Closet Door Fail – Post #666!

Single Ladies Fail

Zalgo

Silly Symphony – The Skeleton Dance – 1929

F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell


Posted in music, tv, video | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Creepy Weird Halloween: “F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song”

Warning: Just about everything here is NSFMM, Not Safe For My Mom. Mom, don’t read this or watch the video.

I really hope you don’t know what F.A.T.A.L. is. I pray to Thor you do not know what F.A.T.A.L. is.

If you don’t, it’s time to learn. F.A.T.A.L. is the worst RPG ever written. It is a disgusting chamber pot of misogyny, homophobia and bad game mechanics.

In F.A.T.A.L., your ability to rape is quantified on your character sheet. F.A.T.A.L. is a crime against games and humanity.

If you are interested in reading more about a game that has an anal circumference statistic, continue to this fantastic review.

Here is F.A.T.A.L.’s theme song, released by the creators of the game itself:

Unfortunately the developers never released a video, but someone managed to come up with images that accurately represent the game. They are disgusting and horrible.

More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Star Wars representado con dibujos tradicionales mexicanos.

Rand Paul Curb Stomp

Creepy Weird Halloween: “Japan sea monster”

Closet Door Fail – Post #666!

Single Ladies Fail

Zalgo

Silly Symphony – The Skeleton Dance – 1929

F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell


Posted in Games, video | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Creepy Weird Halloween: “Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?”


Now I have for you one of the greatest terrors of life: fear of a lost child. It’s easy to lose track of loved ones in a crowd.

Has my Billy been trapped on the Ferris Wheel? Did he try to walk the wrong way up an escalator? Did he fall while skiing and smash his head? Is he face down in the snow, unconscious, even now? That happened to me once.

Situation: Ski Slopes. Where is Billy?

Everything is empty and cold. No one has seen him for hours. The hot chocolate we made for him when we thought he was coming back soon is now cold.

Where is Billy? If only some brave company were to come along and sell us a product that would find our lost boy. What? You say such a company exists? You say it’s the Brick House Security company. Well, damn the cost! My child is missing.

Primal fear.

Huzzah! We are saved by a silly looking remote control that makes sounds like Beaker from The Muppets.

More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Creepy Weird Halloween: F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell


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Creepy Weird Halloween: “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” – Tim Curry

All this month, I bring you weird and scary videos from the internets.

Tonight a truly terrifying tale of Woe wherein Tim Curry channels his best Bowie.

Tim Curry is the rich man's David Bowie.

Below the video, I do lyrical analysis and then I rewrite the song, but to start us out, a few lyrics from this gem:

Anything can happen on Halloween
Your dog could turn into a cat

This is the first thing they list after saying that any thing can happen. Here are a few other things these writers find astounding:

There may be a toad in your bass guitar
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine

How uproariously astounding and wondrous those things are! Especially the toad in my bass guitar.

Imagine your shock at finding a toad in your bass guitar! It’s supernaturally terrifying! Only on Halloween, I guess!

Seriously, guys, toads aren’t that scary.

Seriously.

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(keep scrolling)

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.

.

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Unless it's this guy! Bluh! Bluh! Got You!


Enjoy the video:

At about 2:15 we get to my favorite lines:

Anything can happen on Halloween
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine
Your dentist could turn into a queen.
Has anybody seen my tambourine

Follow these lyrics. They start out making sense: nail growth and hair-dying are a little scary. The next one is a little wacky, but I would move that to the third line because jokes best come in threes.

Then we get to “Your dentist could turn into a queen.” I think this may actually have been a throwaway line for small girls, because this is a kids show, but with Tim Curry singing it, it becomes immediately subverted into something weirdly sexual.

Then the last line: it has nothing to do with anything. The songwriter just picked a funny word and declared the song finished, because either the writer is not talented or they don’t care about a crappy song in a kids show on HBO.

But Tim Curry sings it, you idiot. You could have Tim Curry sing a good song instead of a crappy one.

All the song writer has to rhyme “Halloween”. That’s easy! Rhymezone lists 410 rhymes for “Halloween”! You should be able to come up with good lyrics for that. Yet, this writer managed to do a terrible job.

My rewrite:

Anything can happen on Halloween
Drink a witch’s potion and your hair turns green
Your math teacher changes to an evil queen
The fridge becomes Frankenstein’s machine
Wolverine plays the tambourine

Yeah, it’s really not that much better. But I just love the image of Wolverine playing the tambourine so much.

Thanks to Lauryl Sulfate of Ninety Six Minutes for sending me this video! If you want to send me a video, become my friend on Facebook.

More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Creepy Weird Halloween: F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell


Posted in Etc, music, video | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Creepy Weird Halloween: “Gimme Pizza” – The Olsen Twins

All this month, I bring you weird and scary videos from the internets.

Today’s offering: “Gimme Pizza” by the Olsen Twins and friends.

These two terrifying wraiths:

The Olsen Twins may only be harmed by a +1 or greater weapon.

and their friends, probably a lich and a few vampires, made a video. Speaking of which, I am reading Fourth Edition Dungeons and Dragons. It’s terrible.

Here’s your creepy weirdness for the day, with lyrics I transcribed from the video:

Give this video at least one minute! If you are not entranced by what is happening at 1:00 in this video, I will rescind my guarantee of weirdosity and creepiness.

DID I HAPPEN TO SAY?
I WANT PIZZA
P-I-Z-Z-A
I WANT PIZZA

HEY,
ARE YOU READY TO PLAY?
NOW SET DOWN THE PIZZA AND BRING SOME CHICKEN
THROW IT ON TOP AND MAKE IT FINGER-LICKIN’

BUFFALO WINGS AND MEATBALLS
WHIP CREAM POURING LIKE WATERFALLS
HERE’S A LITTLE SAUSAGE TO MAKE IT HOT
HERE’S A LOT OF ICE CREAM TO HIT THE SPOT

TOSS THE FISH
LET IT FLY
FLY, FLY
PIZZA PIE

PIZZA!

P-I-Z-Z-A

More Creepy Weird Halloween:

Creepy Weird Halloween: F.A.T.A.L. Original Theme Song

Situation: Halloween – Where is my ghost?

Anything Can Happen on Halloween – Tim Curry

Gimme Pizza! – The Olsen Twins

Helping Johnny Remember – Ashleigh Nankivell


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